when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
