Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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