Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
