I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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