just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
