when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
