I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
