I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
