My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
