My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
