help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Everclear isn't food dammit
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
