Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
nutella sex= disaster
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
