So drunk its hurt
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
