dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
