I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My feet surprised me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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