Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
