i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
