those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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