Plan B is the new Plan A
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if only i could text you this smell
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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