I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
