Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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