this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
