she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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