Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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