youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
