Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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