My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
