Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
