So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
