My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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