I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
