1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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