Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
