Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
