Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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