Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
