Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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