i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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