I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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