You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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