are you so shy because you have an std?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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