you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
