You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
