She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
