My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
