I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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