thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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