i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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