I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
