Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
