So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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