I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
