You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
