The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
