Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
