she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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