OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
