we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
