I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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