sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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