When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
