pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
