Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize