Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
