My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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