I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
