I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
