i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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