I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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